“With humor, humility, and profound vulnerability, Havis gracefully and honestly tackles the subject we so often avoid. Blending personal narrative with thoughtful research and practical wisdom, WHAT NOT TO SAY AT A FUNERAL offers compassionate guidance for when life’s worst ‘what-ifs’ become reality. This book goes beyond telling us what to say. It teaches us how to show up. A wise and deeply human guide reminding us that in moments of loss, presence matters more than perfection.” –Katherine Rose Woller, bestselling author of Calling It Off: Memoir of an Almost Bride

“Whether you’re grieving a loss or trying to comfort someone in their grief, Amy’s raw, visceral honesty, paired with a healthy dose of humor, will help you navigate the world of tragedy and grief that no one willingly enters, yet we all must face. Amy’s wisdom and insights gained through the slow loss of her daughter, Hope, will help anyone facing loss make sense of the storm of emotions swirling inside. And even if you have not suffered loss, you’ll find her practical guidance prepares you to comfort others in their heartache. We will all attend funerals; this book expertly helps us bring words of healing with us.” –John Burke, New York Times bestselling author of Imagine Heaven

“Many readers have a book they strongly feel should be REQUIRED READING. This is mine. Most people likely don’t know they need to read this book, but trust me, they do. At some point in life, it’s unfortunate, but you will be face to face with a person in grief for a death that should not have happened when it did – the loved one of a child that has died. You want to comfort this person, you might THINK you know best how to do so, but the truth is, there is no comfort for the death of a child. There are a lot of painful, stupid things people say to those grieving a child, without meaning to cause harm. This book tells you exactly what those are and you may be surprised to learn that telling a grieving parent, “Everything happens for a reason” is not a comfort, but in fact a very painful thing to hear, along with a list of other things not to say (and on the flip side, what TO say). It reminds the reader that the emphasis in grief should be offering genuine love and support to the griever(s). Make time for this book – it’s short and has a lot of white space and it’s so incredibly important. Then join me in the crusade to have EVERYONE read it.” –Jen, Beagle and Wolf Books in Park Rapids, MN

“Everyone should buy this book in bulk! Amy Havis builds from her own sorrow to create this easy-to-use guide to being a supportive friend when someone has a loss. The format is designed for the overwhelmed, with lists, stories and advice, all mixed in a reader-friendly way. Amy Havis recalls what helped her and her family, and also shares the comments and actions that hurt them in their time of loss, and shows how o mend the relationship when someone is hurtful. This would be a great book for office break rooms, funeral homes, and doctor’s offices. Its wisdom comes in small bites, the way we all need it.” –Mary A, NetGalley Reviewer

“I am forever grateful to people who normalize having conversations about death, loss, grief and terminable illness. This book, part a tribute to Amy’s daughter Hope and part a guide for the rest of us as we navigate supporting others through loss and losses of our own, allows her gentle voice to shine light on the next right steps. It was a reminder that connection is how we survive and to not be so afraid of getting it wrong that we don’t show up when it matters most.” –Shannon M, NetGalley + Goodreads Book Reviewer

“Beautiful book.” –Kay O, NetGalley Book Reviewer

“This was a quick read (not much over 100 pages), but packed in a lot of the author’s personal experience with grief after the loss of her newborn daughter, who had not been expected to live long after birth. The author writes matter-of-factly about her experience of both the loss itself and the interactions she had with others leading up to and following her daughter’s passing. I’ve read a number of books about grief, and would say that although this one feels quite limited in scope with most of the discussion about child loss, this book is worth reading if you know someone who has experienced or is currently anticipating the loss of someone close to them. This is especially true if you have not read other works about grief and are in urgent need of some guidance as to how to address someone else’s loss and want something a bit more in depth than what you could get from online forums.” –Addison D, NetGalley + Goodreads Book Reviewer

“This is a brief, informative, deeply personal look at grief. There are lessons in it that appear simple but do not come naturally for everyone. I appreciate the fact that Havis explains from personal experience how even when you feel that you have experienced a lot of grief, you might still not have the best thing to say to another person who is experiencing their own grief. It takes a subject that is difficult for many to talk about and distills that into some great tips and suggestions about how to be/sound helpful to and available for those in grief. I appreciate that despite the fact that the author said her own religion was a large part of her and her family’s experience, she acknowledges that this may not be the same for everyone, and so this does not focus on religion the way many books on the subject do. This could be beneficial for wider readership. This is a great book for those who are interested in grief studies. It might be useful in hospice facilities, mortuaries and funeral homes, or at some doctors’ offices. I enjoy reading books about grief, so this was ideal. I appreciate the brevity and honesty.” –Jessica S, NetGalley + Goodreads Book Reviewer

“It is a short read at about 100 pages. The author beautifully shares her experiences with grief and her social interactions around those experiences in a way that is helpful. It is interesting that, as humans, one of our first go-to things to say is “I know how you feel” as a tool of empathy and then bring up something that we experienced that was similar. This book gently reminds us that it’s not about us and provides a host of other, more sensitive things to say and do. The beginning of the book acknowledges that in our modern-day society, we are really separated from death and that the natural grieving process and the crying that goes with it makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Havis encourages us to lean into that grief and provide a helping hand or a safe space for feelings and empathy.” –Kiersten, Goodreads Reviewer

“Everyone should read this book! It’s well written and offers memorable, solid advice. The writer speaks from the heart and addresses grief in an honest, relatable way.” –Nancy T, Goodreads Reviewer

“Amy Havis suffered incredibly with both her pregnancies, but the worst devastation by far was that her second daughter died two weeks after birth. In an effort to help those who don’t know what to say to someone grieving a loss she wrote this book. By this time, she had heard all the phrases that weren’t helpful and some that were. Some of them you’ve heard before. Don’t say: I know just how you feel (because you don’t). At least she didn’t suffer (not helpful). Do say: Would you like to go for a walk and talk about your loved one? Can I give you a hug? I’d like to set up a meal train for you. Are there any allergies to consider? Is that okay? Havis writes very well using just the right words to convey her message. The chapters are short and so is the book. I would like to own the physical copy so I could refer back to it often. I sincerely hope she writes another book and I highly recommend this one.” –Heather L, NetGalley Reviewer

“Overall I really enjoyed this book. It was honest, real, emotional, deep, and heavy with humorous memories added in. It contains advice both for those experiencing grief and those who are wanting to support or be there for someone who is experiencing grief. It introduced topics such as post traumatic growth that I had never heard of before, and provided valuable information on resources available to those experiencing grief. This book is an excellent length for the topic it centers on and would be an easy reread to help someone through a tough time. The author did a fantastic job of sharing her experiences and the book was beautifully written.” –Sarah M, NetGalley Reviewer

“I was interested in the subject of this title due to losses in our family in the last several years. I never can understand why it is so difficult and awkward to say something meaningful and heartfelt at such a sacred time. The death of a loved one. In this case Amy the author was referring to a tragic loss of a child within several weeks after she gave birth. What I have learned after losing two family members recently is that everyone has a different story, grief does not follow a pattern, there is no start and finish. People may attempt to say something, it can hit wrong and you walk away shaking your head wondering how they thought that was a good thing to say. The recommendation Amy put out there is to acknowledge the loss and say ” I am so sorry for your Loss or the Loss in your family. She said not to say ” At least this didn’t happen or that didn’t happen it is not helpful sometimes our attempts at bringing comfort bring more distress. Amy gave other examples of what to say , not say and actions that are helpful. I recommend this read which is short but helpful from someone who has gone through a significant loss personally.” –Jennifer C., NetGalley Reviewer

“It was serendipitous for Amy Havis’ What Not to Say at a Funeral to land on my shelf the day it did. My friend died a couple days earlier and the funeral was less than a week away. When I saw that Havis mixes humor in with a serious subject, I hadn’t even read a single page and felt like this book was meant to be my next read. The humor is not at all like a stand-up comedy sketch, though, it has potential if she ever wants to do that. It embraces some snark about a mother who reaches her daily limit of people asking about her pregnant belly when she’s expected to miscarriage at any moment or have a baby who will only live for hours. I appreciate how Havis explains that human beings need levity. She says there is a physical limit to somberness which will max out at some point during the mourner’s day. Havis’ devout Christianity is, thankfully, not brought up a lot. It did help her get through literally the worst thing. I’m glad she had her faith and a community that didn’t ignore her family’s needs during that time. People sat with her. If they were uncomfortable doing something intimate like that, they still offered to bring food. Those meal trains are such a blessing when a family needs time to focus on their grief. Those occasional anecdotes and examples of awkward interactions solidified this book for me. My family processes with humor too (sometimes extremely cringeworthy humor, but people try to be funny as a defense mechanism). That might not be your way of coping and you might find it crass. Don’t worry, there’s more to “What Not to Say at a Funeral” than comedy. The book includes discussion topics and ways to take action. This is helpful in a non-fiction book about moving through something. There are millions of self-help books that either don’t present things to do or they present only a path (practically cult language) with specific steps to be followed in order. Her actionable prompts are an enormous part of what make this book worth recommending. She also speaks highly of massage therapy and though it might be something out of reach for a lot of people because it’s seen as a luxury not a health maintenance practice, it’s refreshing to have it validated. She states that she recognizes her privilege. Havis has a substantial section of references in the End Notes which might also be useful for people seeking answers. There are sections repeated from within chapters of What Not to Say and What To Say at funerals. There are also discussion questions. Another ingredient in Havis’ recipe for how she got through the worst thing in her life was that she welcomed medication and therapy…The book is set up to be read quickly with her personal stories from a given moment followed by things that went through her mind, a few had charts, lists of ways people responded to that chapter’s subject, and tips that worked for her. I suspect her skills in professional communications guided her style for this book. Chapters with titles telling you what’s...

“[What Not To Say at a Funeral is] such a useful guide with light-hearted moments to keep the spirits up. I have a funeral to go to tomorrow and will certainly use some of this info.” –Jill, Spinster Books, Ashland, WI

“What Not to Say at a Funeral should be required reading – at any age. After my son’s death last year, I heard a few variations on the “don’t say “ list, but until Amy Havis’ book, I hadn’t realized they all started with “at least.” “At least” completely changed the tone and perceived intent of the statement, “He’s no longer in pain.” Thank you for reminding me he was in pain as I struggle with my own. Amy sums up her book with the Golden Rule: Do for others what you would want done for you.” –Ariel, Ruby Books, Folsom, CA

“A succinct book on grief and how to support those navigating it. I appreciated the tone, the simplicity, and the realness of this book.” –Heidi A, Librarian and NetGalley Reviewer